Monday, September 21, 2009

feeling philosophic

what is it with all these thoughts in my head?

how is it that i have four chairs and a kitchen table and a headboard and walls that all need painting or reupholstering or both and i haven't started. why can't i start?!?!

is there ever not someone in the del taco drive-through? nope. there is always someone. always.

i want kids. you really have to have money to have kids?

my dog is cute. why does he love jonathan more than me?

family is the answer to life.

i love colorful walls but i really want to paint my walls gray.

it's getting cold outside. crisp. it feels weird. aren't i supposed to be going to school when this happens?

i met this girl that's really nice. like really really nice. seemingly genuinely nice and caring. like she wants to really make you feel good and welcome and happy and belonging. really. why do i have to wonder if it's fake niceness? are people really that nice with no motives? can i be?

how did i ever get lucky enough to have someone that makes me happier than i've ever been just by being himself? who he is. even when i'm sore and exhausted from work and being a grown-up i'm just happy when he's there. i can honestly say that i don't care how sappy or mushy that sounds. and the below picture...

says it. sums it up. i love it. sappy mushy happiness.

vacuuming can change your outlook on life. (and in a way that sweeping never will. there's always that line of dust and tiny crumbs that won't get on the dustpan.)

maps are so beautiful and intriguing to me. but why?

what am i supposed to be doing at this exact point in life? if money were not an issue, what would i be doing right now?

basically i don't know what the heck i'm doing. i studied politics. i'm working as a server. i feed people and fancily open bottles of wine and hope i look like i know what the heck i'm doing. because i don't. and when people are snooty to me and look down their noses at the waitress that just brought them the wrong spaghetti and doesn't know what wine to drink with salmon and grated parmesan cheese onto their cell phone... i wonder what the heck i'm doing. and even when i get a huge tip because the couple loved their just-attentive-enough server and delicious food and perfect wine... i wonder what the heck i'm doing.

i know step-by-step u.s. foreign policy during the cold war. i know about lots of u.s. presidents and what they did and why and how they got elected. i know that great britain has a constitutional monarchy; that gabriel garcia marquez often wrote in the literary style of magical realism; that cinco de mayo isn't really mexico's independence day; when to use the subjunctive tense (usually). now i'm learning about differences between merlots and pinot noirs and chiantis and that pasta florentine means that it has spinach and how to make lattes versus cappuccinos.

and what does any of it matter? is all of my knowledge only important because of the experiences i'm having while working to gain it? because i sure can't solve any pressing political problems of the day. i can't even take a side. and i can hardly bear to listen to people who talk about the side they've taken. i can't solve the illegal immigrant family's poverty, suffering, and worries by speaking spanish to them. i don't even want to be able to tell someone what wine they might like but now i have to.

you know what sounds kinda good?

move into a little log house with rocking chairs and with lots of land. have chickens and cows for food. maybe a goat too because they're funny. grow crops for food. burn a fire for warmth and a candle for light. read books and sing and dance and play games for fun. have a duck and a pig and a couple more dogs for pets. bake bread and grow pumpkins for the county fair once a year. simple life. not easy, but simple.

anyone with me?


Michemily said...

Amanda, this is a great post. I too have so many questions in my head. I'm at a turning point in my life, just when things should be exciting and happy and scary, but a major disappointment and health problems are pulling me back from making any progress. I can't get used to the idea that I'm not a student, and I even paid tuition for the next semester so I can continue having the title of student and maybe take a class. I want that mushiness that you and Jonathan have. Oh, how I long for it. I love the idea of the simple life and have loved it since I was little. My brothers even called me "Amishelle." At the time, I thought it was mean of them. Now, I think I would be proud to withstand their taunts. And yet, here I am, still in the city, still stressing myself out with my long to-do lists. What should I do with myself? I can't even plan three months ahead so that I know where to book my Christmas ticket from.

Jeffrey said...

So I hadn't read your blog before I commented on your wall. Hope I didn't add undue stress on the pile! :)

Dasha said...

I'm 100% with you. I was just saying the other day how ridiculous it is that so many of our decisions in life are motivated by money and other trivial things. Moving into a log cabin and raising pumpkins sounds just dandy right about now.

Jessica said...

I often think that my boys would thrive on the farming life. I wouldn't! But, it would be much more simple in many ways.. harder, but simpler. Hang in there. Transitions are hard, and unfortunatly, they keep coming at ya!

Randy said...

Oh are so normal (i don't mean that in a negative way) you are just such a...woman

cathy said...

Great post! It's funny how we have these epiphanies that what we're doing isn't really what we want to be doing. Once in a while, we have the courage to actually do something about it. You've inspired me!

JP said...

it's true about del taco. everyday, i see cars lining up their drive-thru at 6:45 in the morning! who wants del taco for breakfast? gross

Jerrea said...

"Little House one the Prairie" in your formative years...Great blog Amanda. I think we need a family log cabin where we can all get our fill of the simple life for a few days! I love your "thoughts". You have a talent, my daughter.

Gracey's said...

I am so down with you!! Why is it that we have 150k in debt to a career we thought would be prime and we "knew" where we were going in life, and then.... hum... life happens. No money... babies... moving to the parents... asking why wHY WHY!!! And who knows maybe this way of life thinking we "know" best is all just a test? To really just POUR our souls out to our father in heaven to help guide us! Humm easier to say it than do it :) :)
I seriously love you guys and even though life is so dang confusing I swear family is what it is all about and just keeping the bond that you have with Jonathan grown like it has never grown before!!! I freaken love joseph so dang much and it is what keeps me going... well now ethan and maddie help too :) Marriage is the best (sometimes the worst) to be able to have your best friend there all the time. Someone that knows you more than you know yourself sometimes. Someone that loves you no matter what..... That ROCKS.
Okay so know that you have a totally long comment ~sorry~
Love ya!!!