Tuesday, December 22, 2009

moaning myrtle

I've been wanting to blog more. I really enjoy connecting with people through blogs. My problem is that I'm afraid I'll just keep posting downer posts if I post at all. Thus all the random YouTube clip posts lately. I don't want to use my blog just to gripe, whine, complain, and vent... but on the other hand, I want to write about some of the struggles I've been having lately.

Yes, I could write these things privately, but is there or is there not some great release in just telling the whole world (or maybe 20 people) that life sucks sometimes? ...And then move on. I think there is.

So if you're not in the mood for Moaning Myrtle, then go read nienie. She deals with a lot more than me and still seems happy and upbeat. Whatev. I'm giving in.

If you want to commiserate, read on...

-I got fired from a dream job that I had for three days in August because I wasn't peppy enough.

-I now work in a restaurant under the most power-tripping, demeaning, socially inept, and just plain mean boss ever. I hate going to work but I pick up every possible shift because we need money so badly.

-Actively job-hunting since May has been hurting my ego and slowly killing my soul.

-Jonathan finally found a job. An hour away. $9/hour. 1-2 days/week. bluh.

-I hate money.

-Student loans are the bane of my existence. Sallie #$@%ing Mae wants to eat our firstborn. they also say we owe $3000 that Jonathan never used (in addition to the $15,000 that we legitimately owe). The Art $@!&ing Institute wants to eat our doggy. they say they sent the Sallie Mae money back. Sallie Mae begs to differ. It's a mess.

-If we pay the minimum amounts to our creditors each month, plus rent, we usually can't buy enough food. I bring home food from the restaurant as much as possible and we eat at parents' houses a lot. The pits.

-We keep getting tantalizing possible job opportunities that have all shriveled up and died just as we were getting excited about them.

-Settlers of Catan has stolen my husband.

-My brother-in-law and sister-in-law are getting divorced and I'm so sad/frustrated/confused/depressed/angry about it.

-Buying Christmas gifts is pretty out of the question.

-We haven't been able to afford to get one of our vehicles inspected, registered, and titled in our name. Tonight Jonathan got pulled over and was given a ticket for expired registration. $$$. Now we really can't afford to. The cop said he decided not to impound the car because "Merry Christmas."

-I love decorating and reading design and craft blogs but our place is really blah. Nothing on the walls. No money + lack of motivation = ugly house.

-Policia chewed my only decent church shoes to oblivion. He chewed holes in the halfway decent ones so I still wear them but my feet get wet.

-Jonathan doesn't have a coat. We are running out of pants that don't have holes or stains.

-An old man at work yelled at me and told me I am despicable because he wasn't happy with the amount of time his food took to get to him. Instead of saying something horrible back I held it in. Then I cried. Then my boss threatened to fire me in front of all the customers and coworkers because of something random and stupid. I had to keep serving but I couldn't stop crying. I felt weak and stupid. Then my boss got mad because I was unprofessional for crying in front of customers.

-I have anxiety that someone I love is going to get hurt, sick, or die.

-We still haven't written thank you notes for all of our wedding gifts and I feel terrible about it. People were so generous and I still haven't thanked so many of them! I'm horrible!

-I want to control a lot things that I can't possibly control.

-My digestive system still suffers the effects of Ecuador.

-I will probably get fired for writing all this stuff about work and my boss on this blog. Everyone cross your fingers that he's not an internet stalker.


Anyway... We're fine. We'll be fine. Maybe one day we'll even have extra money and jobs we like. Right now it's just the uncertainty that's so hard. When is it going to get a little easier? Who knows. Will it get even harder? I hope not.

I hear on the news about kids going missing, young spouses dying, and terrible accidents and abuse. I read about people with horrible illnesses and health struggles. I hear my parents report on a refugee family they're helping for Christmas that has no kitchen table, blankets, towels, beds, etc. All of that makes me feel a so guilty for thinking that my life is hard right now. We're mostly healthy. We have the necessities. Why am I complaining?!

The good news is that Jonathan is a trooper. He gets way less stressed about all these things than I do, which is a relief. We can't both be a mess. He keeps me sane. He and the rest of my family are my happy and bright section of life. Everything else seems a little dim and uncertain right now. Thank you, Heavenly Father for family.

...and also for blogs. Writing this all down has been cathartic. I'm glad that I've done it. I won't always blog about hard things but today I am and it's fine.

If anyone else feels like griping, venting, whining, or complaining, feel free to do it in the comments. It'll be fun. Just this once. You can even post anonymously if you need to. I'll also take any advice from anyone on any point I've whined about in the list. In addition, any good vibes, prayers, or happy thoughts in our behalf would mean a lot.

In the words of a new friend of mine (and probably a lot of other people), "Life sucks and then you die. So you might as well be happy." The ultimate pessimist's optimism. I'm going to try it.


Jessica said...

I remember the first Christmas Matt and I were married I gave him jumper cables for the car. We were up at my parents cabin with the rest of family opening new cell phones, sweaters etc. Fun times. Sorry you are having a hard time with jobs, etc. I wish I had a great job to tell you about. I do keep my eyes and ears open all the time in case I hear of anything.
I can be a worry wart too. There are so many things to worry about. But, I finally realized I had been asked by my Savior to put my burden on him, to let him carry it for me. It is hard to do, but it is possible. Even when things are bleak, there is peace to be had in the knowledege of our Savior and his love and the promises of the eternities. Go read a good conference talk or 3rd Nephi when Jesus appears to the Nephites. That is always a pick me up!

Michemily said...

Hi Amanda. Your post leaves me sad. Things are frustrating. I wish I had something encouraging to say, but I don't. I did just think of something nice, though. At least you have someone to go through that all with. Just imagine what it would be like if you didn't have Jonathan and you had all the same challenges.

Joseph said...

My whole life is turned upside down right now. Almost everything that I thought would bring me happiness has brought me pain.

Family has been HUGE for me these past couple weeks. I'm sorry that Jonathan has been gone a lot but it has been so nice hanging out with him. Family has kept me sane.

David and Brooke Gallagher said...

Join the club! I feel the same way! So sorry life sucks right now, it's totally cool to vent and just let it out! If you ever need anything just let me know after all you do work right around the corner from my house. Stop by and say Hi sometime!

Dasha said...

Man, I am just so sick of money and how much it affects every aspect of life. It's so ridiculous. I guess there are just times when you have to grit your teeth and think "this too shall pass", because it will. Someone as smart as you is bound to find a great job eventually, and when you do you guys can just laugh about this crazy time in your lives. I know that you have probably heard that about a million times, and I'm sorry I don't have any unique pearls of wisdom to give you other than what I've learned in my own experience. Good luck with everything and have a Merry Christmas!
P.S.- I think I've told you this before but my company is always hiring: www.aruplab.com. Feel free to use me as a reference. And there's a bakery opening up on Foothill that says they are hiring Jan. 5-15. It's called "corner bakery and cafe." Might be a good fit for your husband if he is still in school.

Matt said...

Things will get better, Amanda. I'm sure of it. And until they do, we are so happy you guys live so close! We should try getting together more often. I don't know about you guys, but our lives could use the variety of spending time with friends more often.

Merry Christmas! And keep your chin up, we love you guys. Don't hesitate to let us know if we can ever do anything for you.

Julie said...

I'm sorry you guys are having such a hard time. I just have to say that Daniel and I have been married for 2 1/2 years and I still haven't done thank you notes :{ I got half of them wrote and went to get the addresses for them and the computer got a virus and we lost everything. All the addresses and I never got them so I just didn't do them. Every once in a while I feel bad for not doing it but life just gets to busy to get some things done.

Michemily said...

Also, try playing Settlers with your husband and be competitive about it. My family gets really worked up about it and has a large get-together/party every time we play. It's a lot of fun.

Michemily said...

That comment was from Sica. She just left it logged in to my account. She's a hardcore Settlers fan. Oh, and P.S. I don't think you should worry about the thank you notes. Or, just send them to the old guys. Ha ha.

bob and sara rich said...

Sounds like you guys have hit some hard times and just around Christmas time which is a bummer. Something i do to get some extra scratch on a regular basis is sell my body to science...ok not really but i participate in some research studies for money, and since they are posted all over school, i tend to check them out a lot. One that i'm doing right now is a brain imaging mood disorder study at the VA hospital. And no you don't have to have a mood disorder to do the study. But if it's something you guys might be interested in and it's not beneath you, it's a good way to make some extra money. Here is the contact info...Susanna Johnson

Study Coordinator

VA Medical Center

500 Foothill Drive
Salt Lake City, UT 84148

(801) 582-1565 x1774


Best of luck you guys, and happy Holidays from Sara and I.

kristine gracey anderson said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
kristine gracey anderson said...

I am glad that we are family and we have each other to lean on. Without that, I am sure we all would have given up a long time ago. Just keep pushing and going forward and pass this phase of your life. The next phase will be hard in its own way. I love you so much and am so glad you are apart of our lives. You are amazing....... and also........ i want to hang out.

cathy said...