Sunday, September 5, 2010

When's the baby gonna come?

It gets more and more difficult to leave the house these days. No, it's not because of my big belly, aching back, and swollen feet. I actually don't feel too bad. I can handle the discomforts that have come my way these past few weeks.

No, the thing that makes it hard to go out is what I get to hear from everyone. Every day.

People are really excited for you at the end of your pregnancy. I totally understand that. And I suspect they get especially excited for you when you're having your first child. This brings a lot of concerned and well-meaning comments, questions, and advice. THAT. I. CAN'T. HANDLE. ANYMORE. OF!

Here are some of my favorites comments thus far:

-"You know, the first labor is always the longest and hardest."
-"I labored 2309485000 hours with my first!"
-"You haven't even dropped yet! (this one I get all the time.)"
-"Wow! You're due next week? That went by fast!"

I also thought I'd include a list of frequently asked questions for all you curious people who don't get to see me often. Some of these questions I can understand being asked and I don't mind answering. Others I find endlessly annoying. Either way. Here are the answers... If only everyone I'm going to encounter before I have this baby could read this blog.

Q: When are you due?
A: September 7th. On Tuesday.

Q: You're still here?! (at work, church)
A: Uh... Yes I am. Would you like me to leave?

Q: When are they going to induce you?
A: Well I don't know that they will. Unless there is some sort of medical issue with me or the baby, they won't induce first-time mothers at least until you pass 41 weeks.

Q: Are you going to give birth naturally?
A: I plan to have an epidural and then push a live baby out of my you-know-where. Is that natural enough for you?

Q: Are you dilated yet? How much?
A: I was checked for the first time last Tuesday. I was dilated to a 2 and 80% effaced.

Q: Are you going to breastfeed?
A: That's the plan.

Q: Why did you decide to have a midwife? Don't you want to give birth in a hospital?
A: I researched my options and found that most women who choose the midwife route have great experiences. Midwives are generally more attentive during labor than doctors. The midwives I see have their office at the Intermountain Medical Center, where I will deliver. If any complications arise, a doctor experienced with high risk pregnancies and deliveries is always on call.

Q: Have you tried _______ to get your labor going? (spicy food, castor oil, walking, sex, the pizza at Trio, jumping on the trampoline, taking a bumpy car ride)
A: Mostly I've tried laying around on the couch. However, I was forced to shop for long hours on Friday evening and Saturday.

Q: Are you having contractions?
A: Yes.
Q: Do they hurt?
A: Rarely.
Q: Are there a lot of them?
A: Sometimes.

Q: Do you have any names picked out?
A: Hagrid.

Q: When's the baby gonna come?
A1 (I'm feeling patient): Oh I don't know... (polite laugh, smile). She'll come when she's ready.
A2 (I'm feeling devious): Uh... (blank look)... When will what come?

As I was writing this my family dropped by with some dinner for Jonathan and me. My mom yelled to me from the car that I should try jump-squatting down the stairs. I think she's just really excited to meet her first granddaughter. I'll add that to my list of things to try, Mom.

So I guess the hardest part about being 9 months pregnant is the repetitive and/or personal questions and the unsolicited advice and comments that I really don't want to hear.

Did this sound terribly ornery? Well that's probably because the cherry on top of everything happened at church today when an old man cornered me at church and asked me when I was due. After I told him, he informed me that a woman's first labor is always the most difficult and that he hoped I'd been doing the perineum exercises that can help prevent a woman from tearing so much while giving birth. He went on about how labor and delivery nurses are sometimes trained to do episiotomies in case the physician doesn't show up in time. Then his tangent took a turn for the worse. He said, "I don't see childbirth as a sexual thing at all. No it's a wonderful physiological thing when the baby comes. Not sexual."

Well, sir... thank you for that. You've just single-handedly given me one of the most uncomfortable moments I've had this whole pregnancy. Physical or otherwise. And I can assure you that childbirth being a "sexual thing" has never once crossed my mind and it kind of creeps me out that you even mentioned it. Also, I'll keep my perineal tissue to myself and not discuss it with men at church, thank you.

If I'm still pregnant next Sunday, I am NOT going to be at church.


Jerrea said...

Did you write this before or after doing jump squats on the stairs????

Love Ya!

Jessica said...

I know how you feel! The last weeks are the hardest, but you are so close! And my labor was only 4 hours long from first contraction to holding my take that, nay-sayers!

Jeffrey said...

Oh Amanda, good luck and thanks for brightening the rest of my week!

Tracy said...

If it makes you feel a little better about everyone saying labor is always really long with your first, I was in labor for a total of 12 hours with Jesse (and only the last 4 was even that bad).

Cindy said...

Someday I'll let you read my journal entry about being trapped in my pool while he gave me some very ihnteresting sick insights on the subject of how women in the Hiding Place book handled menstruation (I read that book 4 times...I KNOw they didn't mention it!) then went on from there to other women's body functions...I was considering going under the water and not coming up. Drowning seemed a viable option! I just try to mentally step out now when he comes over. Sorry you got some at church!

elizapolatis said...

Amanda, When I was about a week late with David my neighbor man shook his head at me and said, "if you don't hurry and have that kid you will have a little bearded man." That was the one that stuck with me so when I saw him in the yard I hurried in the house to avoid him.

We love you and pray for you and the baby oh and jonathan.
love ya, granny and granny great!

Chels said...

Gotta love the creepy old men. Good luck with the baby - I'm super excited for you!

Leslie said...

That particular man makes inappropriate comments to EVERYONE on the planet! I'm sorry he cornered you. I try to run or hide from him whenever I see him coming!!